im drinking this country out of the recession.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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