this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
