I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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