Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
we're making bets on your personal life
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Randomize
