I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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