yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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