YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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