Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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