What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
