If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
