I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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