I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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