The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
