question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
