my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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