the condom got lost in my hair
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
