you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Randomize
