Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
