Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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