3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
