I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Randomize
