You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
