Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
