You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
