i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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