I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize