Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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