i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Mom said you looked used
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
