Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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