Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
