he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
