I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
