one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
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