I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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