remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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