stop calling my apartment porn island.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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