Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Randomize
