I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
