If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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