Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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