Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
