We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
