Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
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