I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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