At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
