but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
