I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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