I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize