My entire life is one complicated drinking game
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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