What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
