I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
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