She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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