There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
