Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize