We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
