I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
