Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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