I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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